"Who am I?"
Do you ask yourself the same question? Is there anyone out there who can claim to have the answer?
It isn't just lately that this has been on my mind. Just yesterday I got to read my journal from the past years and I found it very interesting (and also somewhat disturbing) that most of my entries in the past years move around this theme. Furthermore, what is more curious is that, before I read my past entries, I just finished writing a journal entry which talks about... well... still the same thing. This theme isn't even limited to my journal. I look at the poems and songs I've written, and many of them have the spirit of seeking oneself in them.
So with this, I ask: Will there ever be an end to this? Could there come a time that one can stop asking this question?
I know a lot of people share this concern with me... So let me know what you think. What is your experience of seeking the answer to this perennial question?
December 16, 2005
September 24, 2005
limbo
Limbo is not a place of nothingness
Instead it is a land filled with choices
But with no commitment
I sip from my can of Coke Light
Sitting on the library steps
Lean on a post to rest my back
People walk by me up and down the stairs
Parked cars waiting in the rain
I say Hello to those I know
Hear the trickling from the water spout
Acid seething in my stomach
The world shuffles and I remain still
My body aches and my vision blurs
Watching from my time-space-warp
A ghost among the living
Drifting along echoing voices
They all head somewhere and nowhere
While I sit and write this poem
Instead it is a land filled with choices
But with no commitment
I sip from my can of Coke Light
Sitting on the library steps
Lean on a post to rest my back
People walk by me up and down the stairs
Parked cars waiting in the rain
I say Hello to those I know
Hear the trickling from the water spout
Acid seething in my stomach
The world shuffles and I remain still
My body aches and my vision blurs
Watching from my time-space-warp
A ghost among the living
Drifting along echoing voices
They all head somewhere and nowhere
While I sit and write this poem
September 22, 2005
fortify
Living in the aftermath
The dust has settled
The storm has passed
Time of peace
Time of rest
Regain my strength
I'll need it again
I let her in
And it was on
I lost my self
But I've returned
Picking up the pieces
Battered and broken
The tides have changed
Never be the same
Back on my feet
Walking stick in hand
Grace of struggle
Grace of silence
The dust has settled
The storm has passed
Time of peace
Time of rest
Regain my strength
I'll need it again
I let her in
And it was on
I lost my self
But I've returned
Picking up the pieces
Battered and broken
The tides have changed
Never be the same
Back on my feet
Walking stick in hand
Grace of struggle
Grace of silence
September 14, 2005
kalayaan
Hindi mo ako maikakahon
Huwag mo nang subukan
Ako ay ako
Ako iyan
Ako ito
Lahat ako
Tanggapin mo na lang na ganito
Takot kayo sa di matanto
Kaya ganito ang trato mo
Minamaliit
Sinisiraan
Masama daw at loko-loko
Huwag naman
Di lang ikaw ako
May sungay sa ulo
Pero matulungin ang puso
Kaya kong manggulo
Kaya din magpakasanto
Madaming mukha
Pero lahat totoo
May lalim ang salita
Mababaw ang kaligayahan
Ayoko sa pulitiko
Pero ako pa rin ay makabayan
Organisado sa trabaho
Malaya naman na musikero
Diyos lang nakaaalam
Hanggang saan ang kaya
Hinding hindi sasabihin
Na hanggang dito lang ako
Hindi magpapapigil
Malayo pa maabot ko
Huwag mo nang subukan
Ako ay ako
Ako iyan
Ako ito
Lahat ako
Tanggapin mo na lang na ganito
Takot kayo sa di matanto
Kaya ganito ang trato mo
Minamaliit
Sinisiraan
Masama daw at loko-loko
Huwag naman
Di lang ikaw ako
May sungay sa ulo
Pero matulungin ang puso
Kaya kong manggulo
Kaya din magpakasanto
Madaming mukha
Pero lahat totoo
May lalim ang salita
Mababaw ang kaligayahan
Ayoko sa pulitiko
Pero ako pa rin ay makabayan
Organisado sa trabaho
Malaya naman na musikero
Diyos lang nakaaalam
Hanggang saan ang kaya
Hinding hindi sasabihin
Na hanggang dito lang ako
Hindi magpapapigil
Malayo pa maabot ko
August 15, 2005
mourning after
I stare at my shadow
For my back is to the sun
The brighter it shines
The darker the figure infront of me becomes
Why does it cling to my feet
Why can I not escape it
Except in the few seconds when I leap
Or when I hide from the light
I forget an important truth
As I stand mesmerized by this black ghost
It is but a mere speck
On a luminous canvas
I wave and it waves with me
But it does not sing as I can
Voiceless copy of myself
My soulless reflection
My shadow stares back at me
It's face toward the sun
The brighter it shines
The darker I become
For my back is to the sun
The brighter it shines
The darker the figure infront of me becomes
Why does it cling to my feet
Why can I not escape it
Except in the few seconds when I leap
Or when I hide from the light
I forget an important truth
As I stand mesmerized by this black ghost
It is but a mere speck
On a luminous canvas
I wave and it waves with me
But it does not sing as I can
Voiceless copy of myself
My soulless reflection
My shadow stares back at me
It's face toward the sun
The brighter it shines
The darker I become
August 12, 2005
the lost boy snapshots
The lost boy snapshots features some of the people and places that I was lucky to come upon in the past few years. I don't have a digicam, so all these pictures were taken with my trusty low-tech Kodak KB100. I think there's something to be said about photographs taken with a manual reset camera. It makes me feel a bit more connected to the photos. I'm not sure why...
August 04, 2005
Pagbabalik sa Maporak
Nasanay na akong madalas bumabalik sa Maporak. Ngayong taon na ito hindi pa ako nakakabalik. Namimiss ko na ang mga tao dun, lalo na ang Nanay at Tatay ko.
May immersion nung weekend sa Maporak pero hindi ako nakasama. Nakapanghihinayang. Nag-email si Kuya Ubit para ikuwento ang muling pagbalik niya sa minamahal naming erya:
"prends...
finally... after sometime... nakablik din ako sa maporak na may dalang mga estudyante. nakakapanibago. pero masaya. at malungkot din.
mataas ang ilog. lagpas bawyang. di kme nakatawid. umikot kame at naglakad papasok ng komunidad. tinanggap kme ng lahar, ng mga puno, baka, bamboo, at makulimlim na ulap.
wala ang mga nanay/tatay... wala si chieftain (may malungkot na istorya mamaya kay chief). si ate tess ang sumalubong sa amin.
umulan buong araw ng biyernes. sarap ng amoy ng basang lupa. ang sarap madinig ng tunog ng ulan sa dahon ng kogon. ang sarap madinig ng daloy ng sapa habang nakahiga sa papag ni tatay hari.
nakakatuwa dahil buong araw naman ng sabado ay umaraw. umakyat kme ng bundok. naglinis ng pananim. naligo sa ilog (sobrang ganda ng ilog...) nagpulong ng hapon at nag-community night nung gabi. masayang muling madinig muli ang mga kwento at tawanan nila nanay/tatay.masayang makipaghabulan muli sa mga bata. nakakatuwang tumingala at matunghayan ang libo-libong bituin habang maingay ang mga kuliglig at palaka.matapos ang lahat... nakakabingin katahimikan.
linggo. nag-processing kami sa school. nag-suri. nag-nilay. katorse sila. ang ilan nag-tanong. ang ilan lumuha. ang ilan tumawa. ang ilan nagbigay ng hamon.
(naalala ko ang unang batch... sila egg, ron, pam, petite, tonich, ian. kung paano kme nagsimula. kung paano kme nangarap. tinignan ko ang batch ngayon. pareho. takot ngunit may kaunting kagustuhan. kelangan lang hamunin. kelangan sabayan).
isasama ko ang katorse (1 lang ang lalake at 13 ang babae - bagay na alam kong ikatutuwa ni Ron, hehe) sa e-groups pagkatpos nito. sana... alam na.
pag-alis namin... tulad ng dati.. bumaha sa maporak... hirap magpaalamanan. ayaw maghiwalay. "balik kayo ate, kuya" may mga luha sa mata. nasanay na ata sila na halos lahat ng pumupunta ay nakakabalik. gulat din naman ang mga estudyante ng malamang may nakakabalik nga... hamon ulit sa kanila.
sa kabuuan naging ligtas, makabuluhan at masaya ang byahe sa Maporak.
sa isang banda, ang komunidad walang pagbabago. may 7 bahay na namay kuryente. hindi na dawa tumatakbo ang literacy natin. dami pa ring may sakit. wala paring magandang balita sa CADC. si nanay marina at nanay imbut (nanay nila eggie at petite) ay namasukang "kasambahay". si chief ay na-stroke kaya hirap na siyang magsalita. si nanay nida (asawa ni chief) ay na-operahan dahil may cist siya sa dibdib. ang maraming tatay ay nasa bundok pa rin. ang ilan ay nakikitanim (upahan).
kinukumusta nila kayo lahat...
yun lang po. mag-email lang kung may mga tanong at reaksyon. sa susunod nating pagkikita...
kuya ubit"
May parte ng sarili ko na nahahanap ko lamang at naiiwan ko palagi sa Maporak. Ewan ko kung ano. Kaya siguro ako balik ng balik doon.
Nararamdaman ko na nag-uumpisa nanaman ako mawala. Kailangan ko na yatang bumalik.
May immersion nung weekend sa Maporak pero hindi ako nakasama. Nakapanghihinayang. Nag-email si Kuya Ubit para ikuwento ang muling pagbalik niya sa minamahal naming erya:
"prends...
finally... after sometime... nakablik din ako sa maporak na may dalang mga estudyante. nakakapanibago. pero masaya. at malungkot din.
mataas ang ilog. lagpas bawyang. di kme nakatawid. umikot kame at naglakad papasok ng komunidad. tinanggap kme ng lahar, ng mga puno, baka, bamboo, at makulimlim na ulap.
wala ang mga nanay/tatay... wala si chieftain (may malungkot na istorya mamaya kay chief). si ate tess ang sumalubong sa amin.
umulan buong araw ng biyernes. sarap ng amoy ng basang lupa. ang sarap madinig ng tunog ng ulan sa dahon ng kogon. ang sarap madinig ng daloy ng sapa habang nakahiga sa papag ni tatay hari.
nakakatuwa dahil buong araw naman ng sabado ay umaraw. umakyat kme ng bundok. naglinis ng pananim. naligo sa ilog (sobrang ganda ng ilog...) nagpulong ng hapon at nag-community night nung gabi. masayang muling madinig muli ang mga kwento at tawanan nila nanay/tatay.masayang makipaghabulan muli sa mga bata. nakakatuwang tumingala at matunghayan ang libo-libong bituin habang maingay ang mga kuliglig at palaka.matapos ang lahat... nakakabingin katahimikan.
linggo. nag-processing kami sa school. nag-suri. nag-nilay. katorse sila. ang ilan nag-tanong. ang ilan lumuha. ang ilan tumawa. ang ilan nagbigay ng hamon.
(naalala ko ang unang batch... sila egg, ron, pam, petite, tonich, ian. kung paano kme nagsimula. kung paano kme nangarap. tinignan ko ang batch ngayon. pareho. takot ngunit may kaunting kagustuhan. kelangan lang hamunin. kelangan sabayan).
isasama ko ang katorse (1 lang ang lalake at 13 ang babae - bagay na alam kong ikatutuwa ni Ron, hehe) sa e-groups pagkatpos nito. sana... alam na.
pag-alis namin... tulad ng dati.. bumaha sa maporak... hirap magpaalamanan. ayaw maghiwalay. "balik kayo ate, kuya" may mga luha sa mata. nasanay na ata sila na halos lahat ng pumupunta ay nakakabalik. gulat din naman ang mga estudyante ng malamang may nakakabalik nga... hamon ulit sa kanila.
sa kabuuan naging ligtas, makabuluhan at masaya ang byahe sa Maporak.
sa isang banda, ang komunidad walang pagbabago. may 7 bahay na namay kuryente. hindi na dawa tumatakbo ang literacy natin. dami pa ring may sakit. wala paring magandang balita sa CADC. si nanay marina at nanay imbut (nanay nila eggie at petite) ay namasukang "kasambahay". si chief ay na-stroke kaya hirap na siyang magsalita. si nanay nida (asawa ni chief) ay na-operahan dahil may cist siya sa dibdib. ang maraming tatay ay nasa bundok pa rin. ang ilan ay nakikitanim (upahan).
kinukumusta nila kayo lahat...
yun lang po. mag-email lang kung may mga tanong at reaksyon. sa susunod nating pagkikita...
kuya ubit"
May parte ng sarili ko na nahahanap ko lamang at naiiwan ko palagi sa Maporak. Ewan ko kung ano. Kaya siguro ako balik ng balik doon.
Nararamdaman ko na nag-uumpisa nanaman ako mawala. Kailangan ko na yatang bumalik.
July 28, 2005
once more
Downward spiraling
Dragged into a whirlwind
My mind spins
I try to find a hold
Tried the winds to tame
But faced a storm instead
My fast footwork and I
Got hit from behind
Have longed to be swept away
Only one eye open
I will give a fight
Be my worthy opponent
Bruise and cut this body
Bring out the beast
I have slept too long
Show me Who I Am
Drawing me deeper into itself
I cannot see where it takes me
I fear the light within
For I might be swallowed
Do not be so sure
Sharp are these claws and fangs
But their power compares not
Fear the beast's heart
Dragged into a whirlwind
My mind spins
I try to find a hold
Tried the winds to tame
But faced a storm instead
My fast footwork and I
Got hit from behind
Have longed to be swept away
Only one eye open
I will give a fight
Be my worthy opponent
Bruise and cut this body
Bring out the beast
I have slept too long
Show me Who I Am
Drawing me deeper into itself
I cannot see where it takes me
I fear the light within
For I might be swallowed
Do not be so sure
Sharp are these claws and fangs
But their power compares not
Fear the beast's heart
July 19, 2005
Pagmumunimuni sa klase ni Pareng Bulatao,S.J.
Usok na mainit
Matapang na amoy
Kapeng barako
Pawiin ang lamig
Pati na ang antok
Buhayin ang isip
Bumubuhos sa bibig
Umaagos sa dibdib
Sikmura'y nananabik
Padating na ang dilim
Sagipin mo ako
Bago mawala na rito
Tara'y lumipad
Tumalon at kumanta
Iwanan ang katawan
Balik-alis
Lahat na'y sinusubukan
Wala kasing kape
Matapang na amoy
Kapeng barako
Pawiin ang lamig
Pati na ang antok
Buhayin ang isip
Bumubuhos sa bibig
Umaagos sa dibdib
Sikmura'y nananabik
Padating na ang dilim
Sagipin mo ako
Bago mawala na rito
Tara'y lumipad
Tumalon at kumanta
Iwanan ang katawan
Balik-alis
Lahat na'y sinusubukan
Wala kasing kape
January 07, 2005
Goodbye Mister Tidds
I recently said goodbye to something that had been a big part of my life for the past years --- my car "Mister Tidds".
As part of my assertion of independence from my parents, I returned stewardship of my 1991 Galant Super Saloon, plate number TDE 413 or Mister Tidds for short, to my Dad the other day. I've been driving that car since I was in 4th year high school. Now I found that it was time to let it go. And there is much to be said about freely giving up this amenity.
Admittedly, it did hurt to give up Mister Tidds and know that our relationship would never be the same again. Mister Tidds and I have been through a lot together. I took it for granted before but Mister Tidds had been there with me during many significant moments in my life. Relationships, work, friends --- my car was there in the background most of the time. I've laughed and cried in that car. Now I guess it's time to make memories elsewhere.
I don't regret my decision to let go of Mister Tidds though. I needed to give up Mister Tidds so I could move on to wherever the spirit takes me. The car bound me to Manila. More specifically, it bound me to my parents (and at the same time, my parents used it as a means to bind me). Since my parents and I don't see eye to eye about many of my life decisions, I think it's only right that I stop living off them.
I want to clarify though that I don't feel at a loss because of my decision. I feel great now, like I freed myself somehow. The feeling is kind of like the joy I felt when I was living alone in Mindanao. Back there, I didn't have much but I felt really alive. The best way I can put it is that I'm feeling less and less artificial now. My self seems clearer than before. (I'm hoping though that I don't turn out like Josh Harnett in 40 Days 40 Nights in the way that the first few days of abstinence from sex felt great and then the shit started to hit the fan. Well, come to think of it, he did still end up with the girl in the end so I guess I shouldn't worry... I wonder if girls would find me hotter now knowing that I voluntarily gave up my car for a greater cause. Hmmmmmm)
All in all, I can say that I will miss Mister Tidds. That car served me well and I'm thankful for having the chance to drive it and take care of it. I'm sure whomever my Dad decides to sell Miater Tidds to will have a good experience with the car as well. As for me, I've got my own journey in front of me. Mister Tidds, it was wonderful to have travelled with you, although now, I think it's time I started walking on my own.
As part of my assertion of independence from my parents, I returned stewardship of my 1991 Galant Super Saloon, plate number TDE 413 or Mister Tidds for short, to my Dad the other day. I've been driving that car since I was in 4th year high school. Now I found that it was time to let it go. And there is much to be said about freely giving up this amenity.
Admittedly, it did hurt to give up Mister Tidds and know that our relationship would never be the same again. Mister Tidds and I have been through a lot together. I took it for granted before but Mister Tidds had been there with me during many significant moments in my life. Relationships, work, friends --- my car was there in the background most of the time. I've laughed and cried in that car. Now I guess it's time to make memories elsewhere.
I don't regret my decision to let go of Mister Tidds though. I needed to give up Mister Tidds so I could move on to wherever the spirit takes me. The car bound me to Manila. More specifically, it bound me to my parents (and at the same time, my parents used it as a means to bind me). Since my parents and I don't see eye to eye about many of my life decisions, I think it's only right that I stop living off them.
I want to clarify though that I don't feel at a loss because of my decision. I feel great now, like I freed myself somehow. The feeling is kind of like the joy I felt when I was living alone in Mindanao. Back there, I didn't have much but I felt really alive. The best way I can put it is that I'm feeling less and less artificial now. My self seems clearer than before. (I'm hoping though that I don't turn out like Josh Harnett in 40 Days 40 Nights in the way that the first few days of abstinence from sex felt great and then the shit started to hit the fan. Well, come to think of it, he did still end up with the girl in the end so I guess I shouldn't worry... I wonder if girls would find me hotter now knowing that I voluntarily gave up my car for a greater cause. Hmmmmmm)
All in all, I can say that I will miss Mister Tidds. That car served me well and I'm thankful for having the chance to drive it and take care of it. I'm sure whomever my Dad decides to sell Miater Tidds to will have a good experience with the car as well. As for me, I've got my own journey in front of me. Mister Tidds, it was wonderful to have travelled with you, although now, I think it's time I started walking on my own.